Where I’m At

Hay gais!

So I’ve been super busy moving in and starting my second semester at uni, and now before I knew it I’m already closer to the end of the semester than the start! I’d like to say it’s been super eventful and a ton of fun, but it’s been pretty quiet around here lately especially since I’ve moved to a much nicer part of town (probably the nicest part of town where all the hotels and casinos are!). I had a few ups and downs returning to London from KL and experienced what is described as Seasonal Affective Disorder (also known as SAD lmao) which is basically a bout of depression that tends to hit in the winter months due to seasonal factors such as shortening daylight hours and whatever else. I was actually super down the past month or so since I got back from warm and sunny KL, which seems about normal when I read up on the symptoms… Anyways I feel a lot better now that I actually know what was wrong with me, because initially I thought it was actual depression coming back (I was afflicted with a pretty serious case of depression many years ago and I barely made it out alive) and it just made me feel scared and helpless because of how fucking terrible it was the first time. Luckily there are a few things that can help with SAD, such as daylight therapy lamps that basically shine a super bright light meant to emulate daylight and it’s supposed to trick your hormones into forgetting everything is cold and grey and yucky!

To be fair though, it hasn’t been all that cold and grey and yucky and now that I’m living on the 10th floor I get a fair amount of sunlight even on the days I just lounge around in bed all day hehe. There’s also an awesome little gym on the ground floor which I LOVE, and now I’m hellbent on losing those last few kilos on my road to 45kg (which, I’ll say it again, is a perfectly healthy and normal weight for my height).

What else is new… Oh yeah, I started an online shop called Moonlit Creatures! Caution, this shop is for cute witches and bad bitches ONLY, but feel free to clicky click if you aspire to be at least one of those things. I’ve been having fun making jewelry and although it’s only been open a couple of weeks, I’ve already received nearly 200 likes on the Facebook page, 2300+ followers on Instagram (and counting — I gain about 700 followers a week!) and generated a fair number of local and international sales despite January being the absolute worst month for shopping! So I’m feeling very positive and optimistic!

Here are a few of my fave items from the store!

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Making jewelry has been super soothing for me and helps keep me calm, plus I’ve always enjoyed running online stores and it’s probably gonna be good for my CV! I have a lot of time on my hands anyways seeing as I only go to uni a couple times a week because apparently its a thing to pay £11,000 for eight days or learning per month… Anyways. All in all I’m feeling slightly more positive about things than I was like a week ago and I’m quite sure things will start looking even better once the weather warms up a bit PLUS I’m looking forward to my visit back home (again) next month! Let’s just hope I don’t turn up so hard I end up in hospital again!

So that’s about it for now, but you know I never like to end a blog post without giving you guys a little somethin’ somethin’ for reading! So today I’m giving you 10% off Moonlit Creatures when you enter the code CREATURES at checkout! Don’t forget to like and follow on Instagram (@moonlitcreatures) and Facebook (Moonlit Creatures) for more exclusive discount codes and flash sales! Worldwide shipping is flat rate (£3.75) and UK shipping is completely free! You also get free worldwide shipping and a freebie with every £15 purchase because that’s just how cool I am. And now it’s time for me to get back to my fluffy duvet and binge watch Ghost Hunters until I fall asleep. Bye betches!

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If Anyone’s Wondering Why I Haven’t Really Been Myself Lately…

…It’s probably because I kinda lost myself a while ago. I’ve been through a lot of changes in the past couple years – I would binge eat, then I would starve myself. I was fat, then I was fit. I would party all night, then I would study all night. I was super single, then I was super taken. I wore barely any clothes and then I wore more clothes than I was comfortable in. I finally graduated from college with a Graphic Design diploma only to switch over to Marketing in uni. I gave up drawing porn for money (yep) to open an online store and then got bored of that and started a personal brand on Instagram and now that that’s peaking I’ve decided to start a blog. One minute I was hot, one minute I was cold and the next minute I was burned out. Sometimes I’m a dick and sometimes I’ll buy you lunch.

I think one thing that changed me for the better was starting a healthier lifestyle earlier this year. I stopped eating trash (in some cases quite literally) and started working out. I watched my stamina quadruple and my body improve – at first I struggled to jog 2.5km at a 7km/h pace, and at my peak I was able to run 5km at a 14km/h pace. I did lose a fair amount of weight because of it and I felt empowered by the control I gained over my body and mind.

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At 59kg on the left and 49kg on the right!

Unfortunately it got to the point where I kinda didn’t recognize myself anymore. At first I’d see myself in pictures and think “Well that doesn’t really look like me… Lemme take another #selfie”. And then I’d walk past a reflective surface and be like “Lol that chick is wearing the same outfit as me… Wait”. I’d see myself in Skype calls and get really confused, because the live video stream of myself wasn’t the me I knew. My face had changed dramatically (you can probably see for yourself in the picture above) and I literally didn’t recognize the person I was looking at, and this kinda got me super distressed.

I guess once I stopped being able to recognize my face I kinda started grasping at straws to find a mask that was somewhat similar to the person I was familiar with. I jumped from one identity to another, tried on a few different personalities while I was at it. I started multiple Instagram accounts and conveyed different sides of myself on all of them hoping to find one that would “fit” (I didn’t, and now just manage two, hazekitten and cyberxkitten).

It’s been roughly 6 or 7 months now since I realized I no longer knew myself. And even worse, I no longer knew who I wanted to be. I don’t know how I want to dress, I don’t know how I want to cut my hair, I don’t know how I wan to wear my makeup and I don’t know how I want to speak. I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment.

But I’m coming to terms with this and trying to tell myself that it’s okay. I don’t have to be the same thing every day. It’s fine if I want to be a different person every week and it’s fine if I want to be loud and crass in the a.m. and meek and studious in the p.m.

I don’t normally buy into this New Year, New Me bullshit but I’m hoping in 2016 I regain a bit more of that control I had before. I’m hoping to get to know myself again, once I’ve decided to stop being more than one person. And if I don’t ever decide to stop I guess that’s cool too. I’ll just be all the things I want to be, whenever I want to be them. I’ll just be and not worry about what thing I’m being.

I’m not being fake – I know I probably come across fake – I’m being as genuine as possible by not just being one thing because I guess that just isn’t me at this point in time.

Special thanks to my boyfriend for putting up with my constant freakouts over who to be on any given day, and loving all the people I identify as. And also to my closest friends for never questioning me even though I can tell they probably think I’m being weird at times.

My Neighbour Omfg…

I don’t even know where to start with this one, so I’ll try and start from the beginning. None of my friends even know the whole story yet because this is so FUCKING LONG, so here it is gais!

Basically I moved into Wenlock Court about 3 months ago and this bitch moved in next door around the same time. Right from the start she was making noise at night, screaming with her friends and slamming every single door within reach. This would keep me up until 4 or 5 in the morning… Not ideal. So I started calling security on her and lodging complaints at the main reception.

I think she had like 5 or 6 complaints and reports against her within the first month. She made absolutely no effort to keep it down whatsoever to the point where I now know every single mundane detail of her life because I can hear every single conversation. At one point she was even involved in a terrifying physical altercation with another girl in her room and I could hear beating and screaming sounds. One night I called security as usual, and she and her friends were caught smoking weed. I thought for sure that would be the end of it, but she was issued a £500 fine and nothing else was done to ensure the quiet and peaceful enjoyment of the room I had already paid for, a year in advance. I am NOT a happy customer.

Let me just say that I have trouble sleeping. I always have. If I’m woken up even once that’s it… No more sleep for me. Her keeping me up at night means I get 3-4 hours a sleep per night, and I literally have not had ONE full night of sleep since I moved in. Not one. Just let that sink in for a minute. Imagine having one night of shitty sleep and how that affects your entire day. Multiply that by roughly 90.

Anyway, one night I woke up at around 5am because her friends were banging on her door for like 10 minutes straight, so I opened my door and was like “Hey guys could you maybe keep it down (:” and this MASSIVE SEA MAMMAL started stomping towards me yelling at me asking why I was complaining and what my problem was (I thought I had made my problem pretty clear, but these people are DENSE AS FUCK) and then interrogated me as to what my name was, what I was studying etc all the while trying to shove her way into my room. I tried to close the door on her and she pushed it open and continued to abuse me until someone else pulled her away.

Obviously the following night was noisy as well. So I called security for what seemed to be the millionth time. They weren’t very happy about that, and started banging on my door screaming at me and basically abusing me because they couldn’t comprehend why someone would call security on such nice reasonable people. The security guard was completely useless and did nothing to help me, not even when they demanded he use his master key to open my door.

This was about 3 weeks ago. Since then I contacted the student halls manager, the student adjudication team from the uni and the duty manager regarding my situation and it’s taking them forever to deal with it. Apparently this is because it’s part of a “wider investigation” and I’m not the only person complaining about her so they’re trying to compile all the complaints I guess.

Anyway. Last week she basically LOST. HER. W H O L E. SHIT.

At around 9 in the evening I was on Skype with Marie when all of a sudden my neighbour and her friends exploded out of her room and literally started shrieking down the hallway, banging on all the doors and freaking the FUCK OUT because someone (me hehe) had left a  note earlier about them being too primitive to know how to operate a door. A couple of people opened their doors to them but shut them immediately when they found a herd of fucking walruses outside in bath robes. I knew they only wanted to get to me though, but I called security instead and meanwhile recorded their hysterical screaming on my phone. Security arrived about 30 seconds later and my neighbour immediately honed in on him, all like “Omg you need to open her door NOW, she’s PASSED OUT in there WE NEED TO SAVE HER LAWD HAVE MERCY” and the security guard, acting on impulse, opened my door and she just BARGED RIGHT IN and I was like “Bitch wtf??”. When the guard heard me he pushed her aside to get to me first and I demanded to know what was going on. Fatty was all “Omg I was so worried about you, I thought you had passed out in there are you okay omg” I was just like “Really.” and played back the recording of her trying to break my door down from just 5 seconds before. Her face pretty much went white and she just turned away and walked off.

Can I just? How the fuck would you know if someone has passed out in ANOTHER ROOM? ALSO I was speaking on Skype and you can hear me talking through the door. 10000% LIE and she had to pick the stupidest lie in the world to gain illegal access to my room.

Anyway, I was escorted to emergency accommodation IN ANOTHER BUILDING because they feared for my safety, I called the cops who came the next day (they found her and a guy smoking weed in her room) and yesterday I got a call from Jon (the guy from uni who is handling my case) being vaguely cryptic, saying he couldn’t give me too much information but “the thing we really want to happen is happening this evening, you shouldn’t have to suffer like this anymore after tonight”. I’m really hoping this means she’s getting evicted or even expelled from uni.

I haven’t heard from anyone since yesterday so I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out what’s happening to her, but she’s in there right now banging and slamming about more than usual so I’m hoping she’s packing her drug abuse paraphernalia and getting the fuck out of here very soon *cry-laughing emoji*