…It’s probably because I kinda lost myself a while ago. I’ve been through a lot of changes in the past couple years – I would binge eat, then I would starve myself. I was fat, then I was fit. I would party all night, then I would study all night. I was super single, then I was super taken. I wore barely any clothes and then I wore more clothes than I was comfortable in. I finally graduated from college with a Graphic Design diploma only to switch over to Marketing in uni. I gave up drawing porn for money (yep) to open an online store and then got bored of that and started a personal brand on Instagram and now that that’s peaking I’ve decided to start a blog. One minute I was hot, one minute I was cold and the next minute I was burned out. Sometimes I’m a dick and sometimes I’ll buy you lunch.
I think one thing that changed me for the better was starting a healthier lifestyle earlier this year. I stopped eating trash (in some cases quite literally) and started working out. I watched my stamina quadruple and my body improve – at first I struggled to jog 2.5km at a 7km/h pace, and at my peak I was able to run 5km at a 14km/h pace. I did lose a fair amount of weight because of it and I felt empowered by the control I gained over my body and mind.
Unfortunately it got to the point where I kinda didn’t recognize myself anymore. At first I’d see myself in pictures and think “Well that doesn’t really look like me… Lemme take another #selfie”. And then I’d walk past a reflective surface and be like “Lol that chick is wearing the same outfit as me… Wait”. I’d see myself in Skype calls and get really confused, because the live video stream of myself wasn’t the me I knew. My face had changed dramatically (you can probably see for yourself in the picture above) and I literally didn’t recognize the person I was looking at, and this kinda got me super distressed.
I guess once I stopped being able to recognize my face I kinda started grasping at straws to find a mask that was somewhat similar to the person I was familiar with. I jumped from one identity to another, tried on a few different personalities while I was at it. I started multiple Instagram accounts and conveyed different sides of myself on all of them hoping to find one that would “fit” (I didn’t, and now just manage two, hazekitten and cyberxkitten).
It’s been roughly 6 or 7 months now since I realized I no longer knew myself. And even worse, I no longer knew who I wanted to be. I don’t know how I want to dress, I don’t know how I want to cut my hair, I don’t know how I wan to wear my makeup and I don’t know how I want to speak. I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment.
But I’m coming to terms with this and trying to tell myself that it’s okay. I don’t have to be the same thing every day. It’s fine if I want to be a different person every week and it’s fine if I want to be loud and crass in the a.m. and meek and studious in the p.m.
I don’t normally buy into this New Year, New Me bullshit but I’m hoping in 2016 I regain a bit more of that control I had before. I’m hoping to get to know myself again, once I’ve decided to stop being more than one person. And if I don’t ever decide to stop I guess that’s cool too. I’ll just be all the things I want to be, whenever I want to be them. I’ll just be and not worry about what thing I’m being.
I’m not being fake – I know I probably come across fake – I’m being as genuine as possible by not just being one thing because I guess that just isn’t me at this point in time.
Special thanks to my boyfriend for putting up with my constant freakouts over who to be on any given day, and loving all the people I identify as. And also to my closest friends for never questioning me even though I can tell they probably think I’m being weird at times.